Learning To Love Ourselves Unconditionally
I have this quote on my wall that says:
“Love who you are, not who you could be.”
I look at it quite often to remind myself that my worth is not tied to my goals.
After all, if we tie our worth and value to the future, then what does that mean for who we are presently? It’s so easy to project our self esteem onto everyone and everything but ourselves. Sometimes this can look like needing excessive amounts of validation from others, basing our own value on our achievements, or deriving our confidence from our appearance. The problem with these examples is that they are all external. Having a high self esteem will never be sustainable as long as it’s coming from anywhere outside of ourselves.
We have to stop loving ourselves conditionally.
When we talk to ourselves so negatively, beat ourselves down for not living up to the goals we have set for ourselves, or have any unrealistic expectations for how we should look, act or feel, we are teaching others to view us in that same light. If we accept conditional love from ourselves, what’s stopping us from accepting conditional love from others?
It has been so normalized by society to be our own worst enemy, when in reality, we need to be our own best cheerleader. No matter how many loving people we have in our lives, it’s impossible for them to comfort us and reassure us in the way we need them to every single time. Loving ourselves unconditionally looks like positive self-talk, accepting that we are imperfect when we make mistakes, and learning to embrace our flaws just as much as we embrace our good qualities.
As I think back to the day I wrote that quote “love who you are, not who you could be” on my letter board, I remember feeling so defeated that some of the choices I have made and circumstances that happened in my life landed me in a much different place than I expected to be at that point in my life. I had expected by that time to have a husband and kids, own my own home, have my ideal body type, and not have any financial concerns. But I realized that I was entirely basing my worth on who I could have been, not on who I am.
Learning to love myself unconditionally is still a challenge everyday, and I’ve accepted that it’s always something I will have to make a conscious effort to do. When working with clients who are experiencing this same difficulty with unconditionally loving themselves, I’ve come to realize that there are always deeper internal conflicts going on that are getting in the way.
More often than not, what holds people back from being able to truly feel worthy of even their own love is guilt.
Whether blame has been placed on us by others or ourselves, carrying that guilt makes it impossible to find love for ourselves. When guilt controls us, we’ll believe any negative thoughts that come across our heads.
In order to resolve this guilt, we have to change our perspective into one that relieves us from being both the villain and the victim of our own story. Sometimes the best place to start with relieving this guilt is making amends with whomever or whatever was involved. Maybe an apology is due to someone you hurt, or maybe if you can’t speak to them, writing a letter that allows you to process through those unresolved feelings can be helpful.
Guilt is the result of an untreated wound that has turned into an infection. The longer you go without treating it, the more toxic it becomes to your life.
For example, if you stole something when you were a kid and never forgave yourself for it, this might be something that plays into your identity like thinking you’re a thief. This might later transform into an anxiety that you are unpredictable and untrustworthy which impacts your ability to trust yourself in making decisions and commitments to others.
There are so many little messages like this that develop throughout our life and end up completely shaping our identity and the way we view ourselves. For that reason, it is so important to not let our experiences define who we are. It’s essential that we love ourselves in the moment because the future is uncertain. Forgiving ourselves, letting go of any unnecessary guilt, defining our identity and redefining our worth is the best way to begin to love ourselves unconditionally.
About The Author
Hannah Brooks, APCC, AMFT is an associate therapist at Whole Wellness Therapy and has extensive experience working with marginalized populations in our community. Hannah is passionate about working with teens and adults struggling with anxiety, depression, trauma, self-esteem issues, substance use issues, codependency, grief and loss, or any range of challenges that are preventing someone from being where they want to be in life. She is also drawn to working with individuals who are seeking a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationships with others.
