The “People Pleasing” Culture
I recently heard someone say:
“Human beings are the only beings who don’t always follow their instincts.”
That really stuck with me. There are so many times we go against our own instincts to please other people, strive for perfection, and create an image for ourselves that maybe isn’t even in alignment with our own values in hopes that people will accept us.
Many of us were raised to be “polite.” Although there’s nothing wrong with being friendly and courteous to others, this idea has often translated to a sacrificial way of operating in relationships with others. Along with being polite, many of us were also taught to make sure we are considerate of other people’s feelings before we give any credit to our own and that it’s selfish to put ourselves first.
When we fall into this way of living, we might find ourselves in several situations where it seems like we’re constantly spread thin. Do you ever feel like you are always giving more of yourself to others than they give to you? Or, somehow other people’s problems always become your responsibility to fix? Do you ever notice that you overexert yourself at work, make too many plans to keep up with, or give so much time to others that you have none left for yourself?
Some people call this “people pleasing,” other people call this “codependency” Regardless of what we call it, the idea behind both of these concepts is that if we operate this way, our value comes from what we can give and who we can be to other people. Our worth is then determined by what other people think of us, which is completely outside of our control.
Our culture has become one that promotes a people pleasing culture on a spectrum. You’re either selfish and greedy or you’re a kind, selfless, and giving person. Not only can this create a lot of anxiety, this way of thinking leaves no room for self-care, getting in touch with our own personal values, or having an opinion that is contrary to the majority. This is not freedom.
When we ignore our own needs over and over again, it becomes impossible to fulfill them. Our identity is lost in what we’ve sculpted ourselves to be for other people. This way of living is not sustainable. It’s much more fulfilling to live a life where our worth is defined by how we experience the world- not by how the world sees us.
How can we begin to change this way of thinking and living?
Well, we can start by following our own instincts. If you’ve gotten so accustomed to this people-pleasing way of living, it might be difficult to distinguish the difference between your instincts and your guilt.
Guilt is a voice that is constructed by our worldview overtime. It echo’s what we have been taught is right and wrong. Guilt is only helpful in circumstances where we can make things right again. For example, if a child steals a toy from another child and feels guilty, they can return the toy, say sorry and relieve that guilt. If a child, even after making those amends, is told they are “bad” or questioned “how could you do something like that, what’s wrong with you?” That guilt might stick with them. The next time they make a mistake, they might begin to tell themselves “I am bad” or “something is wrong with me.” This is just one example of how guilt can follow us even when it is unwarranted.
Taking that example into consideration, if we are told our whole lives that it is selfish to attend to our own needs before others, wouldn’t it only be natural for that same unwarranted guilt to arise? This is not an instinct. This guilt is a result of how we were conditioned to behave.
If we want to condition ourselves to a new way of living, we first need to be able to alleviate this guilt by telling ourselves that it does not belong to us.
We can begin to give ourselves that same grace and love that we have been giving to others by letting go of the guilt that doesn’t belong to us, giving ourselves time to rest, saying no to doing favors, cancelling plans, accepting ourselves fully as we are and expecting others to do the same.
About The Author
Hannah Brooks, APCC, AMFT is an associate therapist at Whole Wellness Therapy who has extensive experience working with marginalized populations in our community. Hannah is passionate about working with teens and adults struggling with anxiety, depression, trauma, self-esteem issues, substance use issues, codependency, grief and loss, or any range of challenges that are preventing someone from being where they want to be in life. She is also drawn to working with individuals who are seeking a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationships with others.
