The Gift of Loneliness
There are rare moments in life where it really feels like it’s you against the world. Moments when all you have is memories of the connections you’ve shared. Moments where you’ve gone through all the waves of emotion that come with grief, loss, and heartbreak.
You know you’re not technically alone in this world, but there’s a piece of you that is so detached from who you thought you were, that real meaningful connections with other people feel so far out of reach. It’s in these moments that you come into yourself and discover who you truly are. There’s no one to distract you or manipulate the parts of you that fit best with them to define you. It’s in these moments of being completely alone that you may begin to realize you’ve never known yourself outside the context of who you can be for other people. It’s a very sobering thought. In fact, it completely redefines your purpose for existing.
We are made for connection as human beings. It’s only natural to desire that there’s a sense of permanence in our relationships because that provides a sense of safety for us. If we truly believe someone would never leave us, or be taken from us, then we never have to face the fear of loneliness. The thing with fear is that it manifests itself. If we fear loneliness, we fear loss. We might react by preventing losing someone at all costs- whether that means we are allowing toxic people to stay in our life, compromise our own values to meet someone else’s values, or even hold onto false hope that someone we have lost may someday return to us. We let this fear hold us, when the reality is that no matter how many people we lose along the way, we never have to be permanently alone.
The fear of loss can keep us so stagnant. Holding onto connections that no longer serve us just to avoid loneliness prevents us from ever being able to discover our identity outside of our relationships.
Loneliness is not a curse, it’s an opportunity.
Feeling lonely is stigmatized as such a negative experience, but there is a huge difference between feeling alone and being isolated. Isolation is when we don’t have opportunities to connect, whether it’s our own depression holding us back, a geographical move, or a circumstance that prevents us from being able to speak with people or see them. Isolation is detrimental to our mental health. So how is feeling lonely different? Well, we can feel lonely even in the context of relationships, we can feel completely misunderstood by someone so much that we feel even more alone around them then we do by ourselves. We can feel lonely when we are going through a life change or loss that no one around us can relate to. We can feel lonely in the moments of our day when we don’t have any distractions and are only left with our own thoughts. Leaning into those forms of loneliness enough to let those waves of emotion come over and help you understand yourself is the kind of loneliness we are talking about.
Our world is more connected than it’s ever been. It’s very rare we get any moments completely to ourselves. Instead of cherishing those moments of silence, so often we look for the quickest escape out of sitting with those unfamiliar emotions. This can look like endlessly scrolling on social media, binge watching tv shows, escaping into alternate realities with video games or porn, occupying all our free time with extra work, using any kind of mind-altering substance to escape uncomfortable feelings, or even getting so deeply involved in another person’s life that they become your life. Why is it that we do anything and everything to distract ourselves from feeling when it’s those emotions that open our eyes the most to who we are?
Fear. Our world is controlled by fear. We’ve been taught, especially during this pandemic, that fear has the ability to overrule us and our relationships. We’ve been taught that isolating is the only way to keep ourselves and others safe, so we’ve had to cling to any connections we do have just to stay sane. The thing that needs to be understood about this idea is that
Loneliness under the pretense of fear will never help us grow.
Loneliness under the pretense of fear is hopeless and isolating because our perception in that mindset is that our life is completely out of our hands and outside of our control. We then feel stuck. We no longer have the courage to explore our loneliness as an expedition to our identity. The only option we see is to make it work with the people we do have in our life, so we don’t have to be alone. But loneliness can be beautiful, it can give us a new sense of confidence that only we can provide to ourselves, it can prove to us that what we have feared the most is actually not as scary as we thought it would be, and most importantly a healthy season of being alone comes with inevitable change.
Sometimes relationships are only meant for a season. If you’re going through a post-pandemic break up, the loss of a friendship, or even feeling in that stuck place where you want to cut ties with someone but can’t bare the thought of being alone-Remember that loneliness is a GIFT. If it seems like things will never be the same without this person, it’s because they won’t. The beauty of life is that it never stays the same. We have an opportunity every day to change ourselves and who we surround ourselves with. The end to one connection is what opens us to the beginning to another. If we never experience the in-between, we are left desperately chasing anything and everyone but ourselves. will never get to experience all that life has to offer us if we live outside ourselves. We can’t stay stuck by the fear of what might happen if we are alone, or we will never grow.
About The Author
Hannah Brooks, APCC, AMFT is an associate therapist at Whole Wellness Therapy and has extensive experience working with marginalized populations in our community. Hannah is passionate about working with teens and adults struggling with anxiety, depression, trauma, self-esteem issues, substance use issues, codependency, grief and loss, or any range of challenges that are preventing someone from being where they want to be in life. She is also drawn to working with individuals who are seeking a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationships with others.
